The last few years have made me re-evaluate everything about my life. How I perceived and valued myself, what I wanted in life and what was important to me.

Throughout my adult life I have lived with the label of being a ‘people pleaser’. Its important to me that people are happy with me. I loved (and still do) doing stuff for other people, putting myself out for others, not wanting to disappoint or turn anyone away.

Often, these were things that the people around me could probably have done for themselves such as booking a doctor’s appointment, or organising and coordinating a night out, but as I was always willing, I suppose it seemed easier for many to turn to me.

Sometimes, these tasks were self-imposed. It wasn’t that the people around me were not capable, I just always volunteered myself first. Overtime, it because an expectation, a responsibility and ultimately a burden.

As life took it usual twists and turns I found that essentially that meant, there was no time for ME. If someone didn’t ask me to do something that would normally have been done by me, I would spend many nights agonising over what I may have done to upset them. My whole self-worth was dependent on how much and how well I did for people around me.

The breakdown of my marriage in 2009 and the subsequent onset of depression, anxiety and lack of self-worth in fact forced me to re-evaluate who I had become. For the first time in my life I had failed at something. Failed to fix the one thing that I had put the most work into. Failed to be the person that my husband wanted me to be. Failed to make him happy. Failed to be the mother that my children deserved.

I was exhausted by the sheer amount of effort I had been making to fix ‘our life’ and eventually this ‘catastrophic failure’, as I saw it at the time, sent my life into a downward spiral.

In my head, I couldn’t understand why anyone could be unhappy with me. Every moment of my day was dedicated to making other people happy. And then finally, after years of counselling and therapy the penny dropped.

We as individuals cannot make someone else happy. We can only be happy within ourselves. No matter how special a moment is, you can’t force someone to experience its ‘specialness’. No matter how happy you are, you can’t give someone your happiness. Happiness cannot be experienced second-hand.

And this realisation after over 40 years of existence has forced me to make some changes to the only way of life I knew.

Today I feel happier and stronger than I ever did before. And here are the steps that I took to get there:

1. Eat Healthy. Your body, mind and essentially your life are a gift to you. To be of any use to the people around us we have to look after number one. This includes eating well and keeping hydrated. Look at your diet and the types of foods you are eating? I’m not suggesting you never have a greasy burger or fried chicken but make sure you are also balancing that with lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. Hold back on the mid-afternoon chocolate binge and find yourself a healthier alternative. Very often our cravings are due to a drop in our sugar levels. Eating something full of sugar and fats will satisfy our craving at that point in time and send our sugar levels in the opposite direction. However, foods high in sugar don’t satisfy us for very long and soon you find that you are hungry again. Do some research and you will find that there is lots of information out there and its not that hard to make some small changes that will have big impacts.
2. Regular Exercise. Recently I joined a running club and this has now become my saving grace. We aren’t experienced runners. Far from it. We are all beginners and have supported each other over the last 10 weeks to run a 5k run together. Apart from the huge sense of achievement, in going from gasping for breath after 1 minute to being able to run for 30 minutes, it has allowed me to swap my weekly therapy sessions, which have cost me a small fortune over the years, for regular runs. Not that there is anything wrong with therapy. Indeed, my counsellors guided me through my darkest times and helped me recognise what I needed to do to change. However, I also found myself scared of how I would cope without my weekly sessions and the opportunity to talk through my frustrations, anxieties and stresses. I’m still not a huge fan of running but I can’t ignore the mental and physical benefits I have experienced over the last couple of months. Even on the days when I think I haven’t got time to run, I go out and I run. By the time I’ve finished, I truly feel like a different person.
3. Remove Negative Influences. When we are unhappy, we attract unhappy people. The result being that you end up spending all your quality time with people that only reinforce your negative feelings. Recognise and step back from the negative people in your life and surround yourself with happy positive people. Granted, we can’t always cut negative people out. Sometimes they are our nearest and dearest. But recognising who they are and how they can affect our state is important to combat the negative effects.
4. Set Goals. Take a good hard look at what it is that you want in life. List the things that you want to change about your life and write down the steps you are going to take to make them happen. After all, how can you get anywhere in life if you don’t know where you are actually going? Be as specific as you can be. If you want to lose weight. Right it down. I want to be 9 stones by the 31^st December 2017. Right, now how do I make that happen? Start with a yearly goal and work backwards from there. Narrow it down to the steps that you need to take in 6 moths, 3 months, monthly and weekly to achieve your goal. Write it down and refer back to it. Make yourself accountable to yourself.
5. Decide to be Happy. If you’re spending all of your time and energy trying to make other people happy, you’ll have nothing left over for your own life. The only way to reach your full potential is to focus on making yourself as happy as possible. Focus on making your life incredible.The happier you are and the more incredible your life is, the more other people will want to replicate it. Your joy will plant a seed in their heads—a seed that they can nurture and grow on their own.
6. Be Grateful. This may sound really obvious but when is the last time you sat down and actually counted your blessings. Make it routine to remind yourself of all the things you are grateful for on a daily basis. Write them down and next time you feel your mood going downhill, open your notebook and read the list over. Life isn’t always as bad as we sometimes think it is.
7. Enjoy the small things in life. Do you hear the birds tweeting on your walk to the office? Do you stop to enjoy the smell of freshly brewed coffee first thing in the morning? Do you stop to look at your child’s beautiful face for a couple of moments before you wake them up? Very often we are so busy rushing through the daily grind that we don’t even stop to notice the small things around us that will make us smile. Turn the volume up in your car next time your favourite song comes on and sing along at the top of your voice….try it…it will change your day…I promise.

By setting an example of what’s possible, you can inspire others to create their own happy life.

Contrary to popular belief, the most unselfish thing you can do is live for yourself.

Taking on the burden of other people’s joy is not only selfish, it’s unproductive. In fact, it’s impossible. The only way to grow happiness is to plant seeds yourself. Live a happy and full life and you’ll lead the way for other’s to lead a happy and full life.

 

Sometimes life doesn’t quite work out the way you imagined it would.

Through out my twenties I knew exactly what I wanted. Actually, let me rephrase that. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I had a game plan. I had a tick list, as I do for almost everything! And above all, I wasn’t scared to work towards it. I was very lucky to be (and still am) surrounded by the most amazingly supportive and loving family and so I chugged along and started ticking things off my “lifes’ wish list”.

• Go to university – tick.
• Get a job in the corporate sector – tick.
• Get married – tick. Buy a house – tick.
• Have children – tick and then….then what?

To the world outside I had the perfect life.

Somewhere amongst the chaos of life I woke up one day in my late thirties to realise I needed more. I didn’t by any means regret the things that I had achieved. Far from it.

I wasn’t happy.

I was tired.

Infact, I was exhausted.

Exhausted by the struggle to keep the sheer number of plasters i was using to cover the cracks in my life, from becoming unstuck.

The biggest crack was indeed – my marriage.

Eventually, after years of mental anguish and torment, I got out.

Yes. I made a conscious decision to change my life. I made a conscious decision to be the person that I wanted to be. I made a conscious decision to learn to laugh again. One of those deep laughs that comes from the pit of your belly and makes you feel exhilarated and exhausted at the same time.

I knew it would be hard but it had to be easier than what I was going through at the time.

During that time, despite being surrounded by people that loved, supported and often carried me through each day ( you know who you all are) I felt the most incredible sense of being alone.

I didn’t know any ‘asian’, ‘muslim’ and ‘divorced’ women in my family and I dont actually have many asian friends outside of my family so I felt an immense sense of isolation.

Slowly but surely, I made it through those dark times and now I want to use my experience to help those that find themselves in a similar situation. You dont have to be asian, muslim or even divorced. Even If I can help one person rebuild their life and not feel alone…this page will have been worth it.

So go ahead, reach out and grab my hand.

My parents really are amazing and without their steadfast love and support I wouldn’t be here writing today. They taught me to be strong, resilient and above all dignified. To my amazing sisters, brother and friends – I love you all more than words can ever say. Many of you will never know how far you carried me. To my fantastic counsellors, Anthea and Sharon – I will never forget you x